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It’s not OUR fault James Morrison called his album ‘Undiscovered’, is it?
TOTP: Hi, James, this is TOTP.
James: Hi! How’re you doing?
TOTP: Very well thank you. Now then, your album is called ‘Undiscovered’, which made us think about people discovering things…
James: Yep.
TOTP: …and then we were thinking about people who travel across the sea to look for stuff…
James: OK.
TOTP: …and we thought up a whole series of things about that, which we are about to ask you questions about. OK?
James: [patiently] Yep.
TOTP: So, imagine you’re Columbus. You set off from England…hang on, he’s Italian. You set off from Italy to discover the West Indies. You travel for months and months on your ship, and then finally you arrive. Just as you get onto the beach, a great big Native American leaps out of the bushes and waves a big spear. What’s your first thought, at this point?
James: Erm. I’d probably get back in my boat and row away to the other side of the island. Then maybe try and think of a softer approach.
TOTP: Just to make it even more stressful, imagine your boat is crewed by modern day celebrities…
James: They’d probably spear all of us, wouldn’t they?
TOTP: They may well! Which celebrity would you most like to see scalped? And if not scalped, then given a damn good haircut?
James: [generous with his time here] Hmm…a haircut…maybe, maybe that Russell Brand guy could do with a haircut.
TOTP: Has anyone ever said to you that with a haircut you’d look like Chris Martin?
James: [wearily] Yeah…I’ve had that a lot…yeah…
TOTP: [deflated] Ahh. Sorry. I feel like I’ve blown it already now…
James: [consoling] That’s alright. He’s not too bad looking…
TOTP: [brighter] He does alright, doesn’t he? With ‘the lady’..?
James: Yeah, he’s got Gwyneth Paltrow, hasn’t he?
TOTP: He has. Now, the OTHER most famous discoverer is probably Charles Darwin. Assuming that you’re him for a second, and you’re at the Galapagos Islands…And instead of having months in which to collect samples you’ve only got one hour, in a kind of biology field notes trolley dash…which animals do you grab?
James: [clearly lost] Ohh…er…and where are we meant to be again?
TOTP: The Galapagos Islands. It’s where he did a lot of his research…
James: Galapagos…that’s like he found out about all the monkeys evolving…
TOTP: Yep. So which animals would you grab?
James: Well, it would probably be a monkey, wouldn’t it? Some sort of monkey. To start the evolution work.
TOTP: A really human-looking monkey…
James: [thinking] Yeah…
TOTP: One with lipstick and a handbag…
James: And a hat. And a dress!
TOTP: Yep. A lady-monkey. OR a cross-dressing transsexual monkey, we can’t rule that out in these modern times.
James: Well, if that’s what you want.
TOTP: I do. Now, the third example of people travelling about in boats in the olden days with maps is, of course, pirates.
James: I wouldn’t mind being a pirate.
TOTP: Well who would? But would you be any good at it?
James: Yeah, definitely. I’d love to be a pirate. Roaming around on boats and stealing treasure off rich people, and…
TOTP: …and not giving it to the poor.
James: Well, I dunno, you’ve got to give a little bit away, if you did alright.
TOTP: Would you though? There’s piratey service industries who need that money. People who work in seedy bars, ladies who work down at the docks, the bling jewellers who make hoop earrings, they do all right out of pirates, that’s probably enough distribution of wealth. The big question is whether you’d be OK with the drinking of the wee, when the water runs out…
James: [whistles through teeth] Er, well, probably not…erm. If I HAD to, to survive, maybe then. I’d just hold my nose while I drank it. But no, it’d be pretty tough, wouldn’t it?
TOTP: What about keeping yourself clean? Sea-water’s not great for getting a good lather off, is it?
James: [sounds offended on the sea's behalf] Well, I dunno, no. Cleaning myself in the sea ain’t a problem. I used to live on the beach, pretty much. That’s not too bad, I could get used to that.
TOTP: What about your sexy needs? You’re going to be at sea for a long time…
James: Well you’d have to see if you could pick up some nice girl pirates along the way.
TOTP: Are there girl pirates?
James: Yeah, definitely. Well…er…dunno. There’s gotta be, hasn’t there? Pirates are like “Arrr!”…they’re dirty, aren’t they?
TOTP: They ARE dirty, yes. I imagine pirates don’t have a huge amount in the way of cooking skills. Specially the ones with hooks…
James: No. Well they might be good at hanging bananas on.
TOTP: [pirate voice] Ha haarr! I am Bananabeard! [silence]. Erm…To ward off scurvy, would you get your mum to pack you a lunchbox before you set off?
James: Erm…well you’d probably need a first aid kit more than a lunch box, wouldn’t you? But yeah, definitely. I wouldn’t trust my mum though, she’s really forgetful. She’d probably forget everything I’d need. But I’d definitely have to pack something like that. Some wet wipes…
TOTP: [still on the mum thing] …so she’d forget your sewing kit but remember your library card?
James: Oh yeah! She’d forget all of it. She’s put an apple in there to make sure I got something to eat, but that’s about it.
TOTP: Would you suit a wooden leg?
James: Maybe, I dunno. Maybe it would give you the kind of walk that would make you walk with style, I dunno. You might get splinters though.
TOTP: Parrot or monkey?
James: [after a long think] Monkey probably, cos you could train it to steal things for you. A parrot might just start talking, and you might not feel like talking, so definitely a monkey.
TOTP: Yeah, cos a naughty pirate needs a naughty pet. But the worst you’d get out of a parrot is constant swearing and a pooey shoulder. So, good choice. Now, which of your belongings would you bury on a desert island?
James: Well you’d have to put some fresh water in some bottles, wouldn’t you? You might run out of water and you wouldn’t be able to drink sea water. And maybe a lighter, that’d be a good idea, wouldn’t it?
TOTP: [giggling] I like this pop star piratism! [diva voice] “You’re going to want bottled water, and perhaps a personal assistant…”
James: [laughs] Well, how about just a hole with some cling-film over it to collect the condensation?
TOTP: Not as good, frankly. We know that pirates have a pretty tough initiation ceremony, so, given the choice, would you rather breast-feed a baby crocodile or put your wotsit in the bush of doom?
James: [intrigued] Hmmm. I’d rather breast-feed a baby crocodile, cos it’s not that bad losing the nipple. If you lost the other then your days as a pirate are over. You’d have a high, squeaky voice and nobody would really take you seriously. It would be OK if you knew what was in the bush of doom, y’know? If it was a lady pirate, you might whack it in there.
TOTP: And finally. Which of all the discoveries ever would you like to claim as your own?
James: [massively long time thinking] I think the pyramids.
TOTP: Er…can you discover those? I’m sure somebody built them.
James: Yep, that’s it. Me and my mates did it last year.
TOTP: Eh? Like you got a bit drunk, woke up the next morning…and suddenly found big triangular buildings everywhere?
James: Yeah! We were like “Where’s that come from?”
Aug 082006
